Fear Based Responses : Betrayal of Trust
by Remma
Summary: Follows Denial, taking place during Sentinel Too, and dealing with that episode and Jim and Blair's deteriorating relationship.


Betrayal of Trust  
  
by Remma  
  
"Geez, Chief, look at this mess, you have papers spread everywhere, and how am I supposed to concentrate on *anything* with the stereo blaring out that damn tribal stuff of yours?"  
  
"Blaring? Jim, the volume is down so low I can barely hear it, what more can I do?"  
  
"I don't know...use the earphones or something...it's too loud."  
  
Sighing, Blair rubbed his hands over his face. "Look, Jim, I'm sorry you got shot, I'm sorry you're shoulder hurts, I'm sorry you're bored, but it is *not* *my* *fault*. Believe me, I wish you could go to work as much as you do. And what do you mean, 'you can't concentrate'? Just how much concentration does it take to pace up and down the loft?"  
  
"I'm not pacing."  
  
"Oh silly me, of course you're not, I can see now that you're perfectly calm and rested, not a care in the world, not a cloud on you're horizon."  
  
"The only cloud I have is you, Sandburg."  
  
"What, I'm not the silver lining?"  
  
"Not hardly...hurricane is more you're speed, god knows, your room looks like it's been hit by a major natural disaster, I should declare martial law in there...and get you're feet off the couch."  
  
"You're getting sniffy again...what's up?"  
  
"Nothing. I do *not* get *sniffy*."  
  
"You do, it goes with the jutting jaw and grinding teeth. So, want to tell me what's bugging you? Is it the jaguar from the store...have you seen it again? You know if you need to talk..."  
  
"Leave it, Sandburg, there's nothing to talk about."  
  
"Jim, you saw a vision of a jaguar...one that *wasn't* your own spirit guide and it freaked you out so much you let yourself get shot by some dumb punk who should never have been able to..."  
  
"I made a mistake, that's all, it had nothing to do with the jaguar."  
  
"Come on, man, you don't make that kind of mistake. If the vision was nothing, why did you even bring it up at the hospital? You obviously thought it mattered then, so why have you refused to talk about it since?"  
  
"I was hurt and drugged...I wasn't thinking straight."  
  
"I knew I should have pulled it out of you when you were too weak to resist, and I would have too, if Simon hadn't interfered."  
  
"You're all heart, Sandburg."  
  
"I'm just trying to help, and I can't do that when you keep things from me. Important Sentinel things."  
  
"You don't know that this was a Sentinel thing."  
  
"Jim, you saw a jaguar in a convenience store, now, unless there's been a break out at the local zoo, then I think we can safely assume it's a Sentinel thing."  
  
"Okay, fine, it's a Sentinel thing, I still don't want to talk about it."  
  
"Jim..."  
  
"I said I don't want to talk about it, what part of that don't you get? Dammit, why can you never do what I ask?"  
  
"Actually, I'm doing what you asked right now, which is why all the mess."  
  
"What, I asked you to toss your crap all over the loft?"  
  
"It's not everywhere, it's localised to the table and surrounding areas. And in case you've forgotten, you asked me to get on and finish my dissertation, so that's what I'm doing."  
  
"That's your dissertation? Is that why you want to talk about my vision...you need another chapter?"  
  
"That's not fair Jim, you know my research is primarily to help you."  
  
"Do I? You never miss a chance to write down every little thing I do or say."  
  
"Yes, I document your actions and reactions, I'm an anthropologist...it's what I do. Jim, you're a Sentinel, that impacts on everything else that you are, it's impossible to separate out the different facets of your life and put them into nice neat boxes."  
  
"I'm not asking you to..."  
  
"Yes you are. You say you're okay with me writing the diss, but you hate pretty much everything I write. Jim, I'm your friend, you know how important you are to me, because I've told you, but I have to be honest in my observations, or the whole thing is worthless. I've explained this before, please, I need to know you understand."  
  
"What's not to understand? I don't know where you get the idea I'm not happy about any of this. All I'm saying is could you keep the noise and mess to a minimum. That's not too much to ask, is it? I don't know why you have to be doing it here anyway, what's wrong with your office?"  
  
"It's being fumigated, I already told you that."  
  
"Well, what about the library? Surely there's *somewhere* else you can do this?"  
  
"Okay, okay, I get the message. Never let it be said I interfered with your brooding and pacing."  
  
"I am not..."   
  
"Tell it to the hand, man, I am *so* outta here. Oh, and try to leave a *little* enamel on those teeth, okay?"  
  
***  
  
The angry honking of horns signalled Blair's precipitous entry into traffic. As a matter of principle, he answered with a toot of his own, but only a very small toot, as he had, after all, neglected the old 'mirror, signal, manoeuvre' rule, and was therefore largely responsible for the flurry of near misses. Oh well.  
  
Just where did Jim get off on throwing him out, anyway? He kept saying that the loft was Blair's home too, but notice who was now driving around aimlessly, in spite of being snowed under with work, and who was left doing bupkis in an empty apartment. Hell, with his arm out of commission, he couldn't even get down with his anal cleaning schedule; the possibility of invasion by dust bunnies must be driving him nuts.   
  
Blair found himself wishing that Jim's strange mood really could be banished by a mop and some heavy duty cleaning fluid. Truth was, he'd been behaving oddly for some time now, odd even for him, and you gotta believe, that was pretty damn odd.   
  
Tracing back, Blair was disconcerted to realise that Jim's strange moods had started around the time he had, without permission, read the opening chapter of the dissertation. He had totally overreacted, deeply upset by the implied criticism and detachment of the document. Blair had thought that they had cleared all that up, that Jim had realised that his style of writing was in no way a negation of their friendship, but maybe not. Maybe he needed to explain a few more times...Jim had always liked repetition, it made him feel secure.  
  
The spotted jaguar was an unexpected turn though. Blair might have anticipated Jim seeing his own animal spirit if he was feeling threatened, but why *this* animal? What was its significance? Always a firm believer in karma, Blair was convinced that this vision had a deeper meaning, and it was his job to find it. If only Simon hadn't stopped him in the hospital. Jim had seemed willing to share at first, but it hadn't taken long for his avoidance instincts to kick in.  
  
With a start, he realised that he had subconsciously driven to the station...and how scary was it that he had automatically come here, and not to the university? Oh well, why not? He needed a place to work, and Jim's desk was free. He knew he wasn't really supposed to be here without Jim, but odds were, if anyone saw him, they would just assume he was doing official police paperwork. And it wasn't like he was going to get in anyone's way, no, all he intended to do was keep his head down and get on with his work, what could possibly go wrong?  
  
***  
  
Unbelievable. Years spent searching for a single Sentinel, and now he had two. This was *so* cool, and just what he needed for his dissertation. He had been getting a little worried about basing his entire Sentinel thesis on a single subject, especially one about whom he was incapable of being objective. Now, with Alex Barnes, he could test out the theories he had formulated while working with Jim, she could be his back-up.   
  
He smiled as he realised that he had at least learnt how *not* to break the news to someone that they were the living embodiment of the primitive tribal warriors in his historical texts. His first encounter with Alex had gone far better than his first meeting with Jim, and he acknowledged to himself that the debacle in his office had been entirely his fault.   
  
What had he been thinking, telling an emotionally vulnerable man, terrified at his lack of control over his life that he was little better than a caveman? His only excuse was that he had been convinced by Jim's apparent fortitude. He knew better now than to be taken in by appearances. Jim was strong, proud, brave and true, but his view of the world and of himself was based on years of regimentation and indoctrination. The loss of his certainties shook him to the core, and it was a testament to the man's courage that he had overcome his conditioning to the extent that he was able to accept Blair as far as he had. But it was an uphill battle, every advance hard won, and Blair's revelation of his love for his friend had been a serious setback, one from which they had not yet fully recovered.   
  
The possibility that his sensory abilities could be revealed with the publication of the dissertation had not helped either. He had become wary and secretive, unwilling to confide in Blair, his expectation of betrayal from those he cared for colouring his actions. In truth, Blair knew he had been delaying the submission of his doctoral thesis because of his own fears.  
  
His intention had been to produce a scientific work of benefit to the anthropological community, and more importantly, to any others who suffered as Jim had suffered before learning to control his haywire senses. But how could he do that without exposing his friend's secret? He had racked his brains for a solution to his dilemma, but none was forthcoming. It was a painful truth that to achieve his goals, he would have to hurt the man he loved more than life. No, he could never betray Jim; he would rather destroy his life's work than allow harm to come to him.   
  
He had almost come to the conclusion that abandoning his doctorate was the only possible outcome, until tonight. Now there was another option, one that would allow Blair to complete his thesis without involving Jim. There was Alex, and, being an artist, she might not have the same aversion to publicity as Jim, so he could safely use her as his proof and keep Jim out of it all together...a win-win situation. Perfect. Jim would be so pleased.  
  
He drove home on a wave of euphoria, his earlier annoyance with Jim forgotten. He was out of his car and running almost before it had fully stopped. Racing up the stairs, too impatient to call the elevator, he was soon at the door with his key at the ready. Reaching for the handle, he was shocked when it was pulled from his grasp and the barrel of a gun, aimed straight at his head, confronted him.   
  
"Whoa, hey, Jim. I live here too, remember?"  
  
"Sorry Chief, I guess I'm just a little jumpy."   
  
A *little* jumpy? What the hell was going *on* with him? Nothing like this had happened since he had first moved in, and then Jim could have been forgiven for thinking he had an intruder since Larry had totally trashed the place. But that had been a long time ago. By now, Jim should easily have identified him from his scent, so why had he reacted as if he was being attacked? This needed to be sorted out, before anyone got hurt, and then they could sit down together and discuss the advent of this new Sentinel.  
  
***  
  
"I've been unable to illuminate the meaning of my Primary Subject's spiritual vision, he seems unusually reluctant to explore the matter. Concerning my Secondary Subject, I've been unable to find any data which would suggest what would happen if two Sentinels were to come together, would they see each other as allies, would they...uh...face off in some sort of territorial rivalry? Now, if in fact my Secondary Subject *does* turn out to be a Sentinel, I'm going to have to bring them together in a carefully controlled situation. So, at the present time, I've decided not to tell Jim Ellison or Alex Barnes about one another."  
  
Turning off the tape, Blair once again wondered if the decision he had made then was the right one. He knew Jim hated to feel he had been deceived, which was ironic really, considering his innate talent for self-deception. He consoled himself with the reflection that he had at least *tried* to tell Jim about Alex, although not nearly as persistently as he might have. His first thought, that Jim would be relieved at a shift in focus for the thesis, was, perhaps, a little naive.   
  
Jim was far more likely to resent the intrusion of a new Sentinel. At first, Blair had hoped that his possessiveness was caused by jealousy, but he had been forced to accept that it had more to do with an essentially dog-in-the-mangerish nature, Jim might not want Blair for himself, but he'd be damned if he was going to let anyone else have him.   
  
One thing, at least was now clear to Blair. If he had had any doubt that his feelings for Jim were real, and not merely Sentinel related, Alex had banished them. Not only was she a Sentinel, a *female* Sentinel, she was everything Blair had always been attracted to in his pre-Jim days. Blonde, beautiful, the kind of body that had featured in his fantasies ever since he was old enough to *have* fantasies. And yet, even when she had kissed him in thanks for his help, his only feeling had been one of discomfort, not even a glimmer of desire. In fact, he had the uncomfortable feeling that he was being unfaithful to Jim in some strange Sentinel way.  
  
At least Alex seemed receptive to learning about her senses. Her artwork had been a revelation, depicting almost every aspect of Sentinel symbolism, even the eye of God. And as for her dreams, well, what could he say? She had perfectly described the Temple of the Sentinels. Amazing. He really needed to find a way to introduce her to Jim. Which brought him right back where he had started. How would Jim react to meeting another Sentinel? Well, he would find out soon enough, and until then, all he could do was continue to work with Alex, and hope he could figure out what was bugging Jim.  
  
***  
  
"I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to analyse this, I just need you out of here by the time I get back."  
  
Blair stared at the closed door, surrounded by the evidence of his life, haphazardly packed into boxes. He couldn't believe what was happening. Jim 'couldn't have anyone around right now'? What was *that* all about? And just where was he supposed to go on so little notice? So much for this being his home.   
  
He reached out to lift the lid off the nearest box, noting with surprise that he was trembling violently. He dropped to his knees with a sob, the pain of Jim's rejection finally breaking through the shock to strike him down. Nothing could have prepared him for this; this went *way* beyond *strange*. Would Jim even want his help with his senses anymore? And why did he even care? He must have severe masochistic tendencies to put up with all of Jim's shit and still come back for more. But, dammit, he *did* care, more than anything, and so his only hope was that this was a phase. That Jim would somehow find his way through whatever emotional minefield he was negotiating, and that when he came through on the other side, there would still be a place for Blair in his life.   
  
This was crazy, he needed to pull himself together and get organised, and the first thing he needed to do was haul his stuff out to his car, then find a bed for the night. That's it, one thing at a time; maybe a to-do list would help. He could do this, and everything else he could worry about later. Oh great, now he was channelling Scarlet O'Hara. Still, she had a point, tomorrow *was* another day.  
  
***  
  
Shifting uncomfortably in the lumpy motel bed, sleep once again eluding him, Blair tried to make sense of Jim's bizarre behaviour. At first, he had been almost relieved when Megan had filled him in on the events in the bullpen. At least it proved that the weirdness was not solely directed at him. It only took one look at the desolate loft for worry to push out any lingering satisfaction.  
  
Talking had been impossible. Jim had been in another world, his senses totally focused outward on his city. He seemed convinced of some impending doom, rejecting any and all distractions.   
  
And there had, indeed, been an attack, Jim rushing to apprehend the interloper with Blair and Megan hot on his heels. Blair cringed as he recalled his mistake with the flashlight. He knew better than to shine a light in his Sentinel's eyes when he had his senses extended. Stupid, he was so stupid. No wonder Jim had been aggravated.   
  
Blair punched his pillow in exasperation. *Why* couldn't he work out what was going on with Jim? What kind of Guide was he, what kind of Shaman? There had to be some reason for Jim's rapidly increasing territoriality, for his increased desire for isolation. If only Jim would talk to him, then maybe they could work it out and get things back on track. But Jim *wouldn't* talk, wouldn't even let Blair near him.  
  
He was failing, as a Guide, as a Shaman, and as a friend. The only bright spot on his horizon was that Alex was responding well to his tests, showing a real desire to learn about her heritage. It was just a shame that she was the wrong Sentinel.  
  
***  
  
"Look, Jim, I just wanted you to know that I realise I was wrong for not telling you about Alex. I was only thinking about myself, about my work, and somewhere along the line, I lost track of my friend."  
  
"Well Chief, I don't know what you want me to say. I...uh...I don't know if I can get past this. To me, it was a real breach of trust, and that struck really deep with me."  
  
"Look, give me a break here. How was I supposed to know she was a criminal?"  
  
"Chief, this isn't about her being a criminal. I gotta to have a partner I can *trust*. Look, have you ever stopped to think what good all this research is doing anyway?"  
  
"Yes Jim, I think about it every day. And for one thing, it's helped you find out who *you* are."  
  
"Wait, whoa whoa whoa, I *know* who I am, okay? I don't need you or anybody else to help me define that, is that clear? Maybe it's just better if you finish your dissertation, or doctorate writing about somebody else. I don't know."  
  
"That's *crazy*. I know I made a mistake, but I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get past this, but if...if your going to hang on to it..." Blair paused, desperately hoping for a response that never came. "You know where to find me."   
  
Finally, suddenly, he could take no more. He headed blindly for the door, only dimly aware of Simon moving to Jim's side. This was a disaster. To think, all the time the answer had been right under his nose. Wasn't *he* the one who said there were no coincidences? And yet, he had totally failed to connect Jim's increased territoriality, his visions of an unknown jaguar, with the advent of a rival Sentinel.   
  
And so now his failure was complete. It seemed that every decision he had made had been wrong. God, no wonder Alex had been so keen to master her senses. If they could help Jim fight crime, then they would be just as valuable in perpetrating it. And where did Alex' criminal behaviour leave his thesis? He had based his theories on the idea of the Sentinel as tribal protector. He had believed that the senses were a gift, an aid in that protection. But Alex was no defender of the helpless, rather she preyed on them, and yet she had the same abilities as Jim. They had even shared the same vision. How could that be?  
  
'A partner I can trust'. That's what Jim had said, he needed a partner he could trust, and that was no longer Blair. But he was wrong. Blair had lied when he said he was only thinking of himself, of his work. No, everything he had done, he had done to protect Jim. He had hoped that an apology would help the situation, would give Jim the opportunity to forgive him so they could move on. And instead, he had blamed Blair for the entire mess, had even denied that he had ever been of help.  
  
Maybe this shouldn't have been such a shock after all. Jim had been pulling away ever since he had read the dissertation. The fact that he had not confided in Blair, sharing his visions and his fears proved that. He was responding to a perceived threat just as Blair had predicted, his fear based responses overriding his reason. That was the very reason he needed a Guide. Someone to help him make sense of things; someone who could help him use that fear to make the right decisions.   
  
Surely, in time, Jim would realise that Blair would never betray him, had not betrayed him, and would come to him for help. He may not want to believe it now, but he *did* still need help in processing all that was happening to him, and Blair was the best person to do that. He would need his Guide in dealing with this challenge from another Sentinel.   
  
Blair had told Jim that he would know where to find him. So that's what he would do. He would go to his office and wait. He would wait as long as he had to for Jim to come to him. But, when the Sentinel finally came, it was once again the wrong Sentinel.  
  
***  
  
He was cold, a new kind of cold, one that leached the life from him, numbing his limbs and turning them to lead. Even the fire in his lungs couldn't thaw the splinter of ice in his soul. And through it all, the smell of rotting leaves and stagnant water. And then it was gone.   
  
Warmth seeped into him from the ground on which he lay. He moved hesitantly, reluctant to lose the security of the blanketing earth. He was in the jungle, blue light shining all around. Blue like ice, but not ice, not cold but warm, welcoming him, healing his pain and banishing the fear. He was safe here, home. He raised his head and howled at the moon, shaking the last drops of water from his fur and gazing deep into the surrounding trees.  
  
But still he stayed, silent and waiting, hoping, without even knowing what he waited for. He waited a long time, but no one came. Dropping his head, he accepted the need to move on and began to run towards the beckoning trees. He heard a howl of pure anguish and denial, and then the black jaguar was there, racing after him. Without hesitation, he turned back, pure joy spreading through his body. He leapt as the jaguar leapt, the two meeting and melding in mid air. For one magical instant, they were one; all thoughts emotions and desires shared, bound together with faith and love.   
  
His heart leaped, forcing the light to retreat and allowing the pain to return. Water forced it's way from his heaving lungs and he struggled to draw breath. His eyes opened to fix on his Sentinel, his soul mate. Jim had come after him, had brought him back, had cared enough to bring him back. He knew it, and Jim knew it. Now everything would be different, they would be together, Sentinel and Guide. They would be unbeatable.  
  
***  
  
Finally, all the poking and prodding was over, the medical miracle officially downgraded to faulty equipment, declaring him dead when he was merely *nearly* dead. His recounting of his experiences had been duly dismissed, one particularly suspicious doctor even going so far as to imply that Blair had been faking the whole thing. But now they were gone, the last nurse on her way out, allowing his anxious visitor to come in.  
  
  
  
"You know Chief, if you wanted to meet nurses there are easier ways."  
  
Okay, so this was how they were going to play this, no problem. If Jim needed to pretend nothing had happened, then Blair could play along. See, he could already laugh about it. "That's great man, that's great, now you tell me." Blair stared at his friend. No matter what those damn doctors wanted to believe, he knew that he had been dead, and Jim had come after him, had stopped him from leaving. What words were there to make him realise the significance of that, to make him see that they were joined now. What *did* you say to a man who raised you from the dead? "Thank-you."  
  
"I couldn't let you die, you owe me last month's rent, you know."   
  
"Oooh that's right, sorry about that." Blair frowned, Jim's light mood beginning to wear a little thin. Here he was, lying in a hospital bed, one of those annoying little tube things stuck up his nose, and Jim hadn't even asked him if...  
  
"Doing alright?"  
  
Oh, Okay, so he asked. "Yeah, you know, I'm alright. I saw it...the whole out of body experience. It wasn't like that classic 'light at the end of the tunnel' thing, it was just the jungle, and I was this wolf, and I was running towards a black jaguar, and we collided and there was this big burst of light. Next thing I knew, I was spitting up water, and the doctors were trying to tell me it was some kind of endorphin rush when the body starts to shut down, but it was...uuh..."  
  
"The same image, I saw the *same* image."  
  
"We had the same vision?"  
  
"Yes. It was Incacha who guided me on how to bring you back."  
  
Who knew it would be this easy to convince Jim of his vision? Blair couldn't hold back his laughter as he realised what this meant. He and Jim had *shared* the same vision. He too had seen and felt the merging of their spirit animals, ergo their spirits. Even Mr.Repression wouldn't be able to deny now what they were to each other. "I can't believe this. Einstein said the greatest experiences we can have are the ones with the mysterious. We are definitely there, my brother. Come on in, man, the water's *nice*."  
  
"Chief, I don't know if I'm ready to take that trip with you."  
  
Oh god, he wasn't going to accept the vision. *How* could he continue to be so pig-headed about this? It wasn't as if Blair was implying that they should now leap into bed with each other and play chase the snake like crazed mongooses. In fact, he had been very careful to keep his responses platonic. Jim had made it perfectly plain that he had no physical interest in Blair whatsoever, and that was okay...not great, but okay. There were so many different kinds of love, if Jim would only acknowledge that he felt even *one* of them for him, then he could be happy without the rest. But it seemed that even that was to be denied him. Smiling sadly, he turned his head into the pillow.  
  
"Chief?"  
  
"I'm a little tired, Jim, so if you don't mind..."  
  
"Look, I'm sorry if you were expecting me to..."  
  
"It's okay, Jim, really. I'm just tired, it's been a rough day, you know?"  
  
"Yeah, sure. So, if you don't need me anymore, I'll...uh..."  
  
"Fine, Jim. I'll see you later."  
  
Blair watched his friend leave without even a single backward glance. He had hoped for so much, and now here he was, alone again. Why had Jim done it? Why bring him back at all when he was clearly not needed? Was it only guilt? There were so many questions, and he had so few answers. 'I don't know if I'm ready to take that trip with you'. Not ready, not I don't want to, but 'not ready'. Did that mean that one day Jim *would* be ready? It was a slim hope, but Blair grasped at it with both hands, after all, it was all he had.  
  
***  
  
Blair turned his head fitfully on the hard pillows, his restless fingers picking at the stiff hospital sheets. Jim must be more upset than he had thought. It wasn't like him not to check up on an injured friend, and surely they were still that, if nothing else. But he had not come, not since that first tentative visit. Maybe now that he had established that Blair would not die, he felt that his responsibilities were fulfilled.   
  
No, Blair refused to believe that he cared so little. There had to be something more going on, and he intended to find out what. Megan had been very evasive when she had dropped by last night, and she had promised to return today. He would find out everything from her. She may be a stubborn, strong willed woman, but she was no match for a determined Blair Sandburg at his most manipulative. Just wait, he would...  
  
"Sandy, how you doing?"  
  
"Oh, Megan...uh...hello. Good to see you."  
  
"Hey, what's wrong?"  
  
"Nothing, I'm fine."  
  
"Come on, tell me."  
  
"No really, it's nothing. Just...no, it's nothing."  
  
"It's obviously not nothing, you look like the dog ate your homework."  
  
"Well, I did just drown, Megan."  
  
"I know that, I was there."  
  
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap, it's not your fault that...I mean, at least *you* took the time to come see me, unlike...oh, never mind."  
  
"That's it, isn't it? You're upset because Jim's not here. I *told* him he should fill you in before...uh..."  
  
"Before what, Megan? What's going on?"  
  
"Nothing. Just work stuff, you know how it is, busy, busy, busy."  
  
"I died, I didn't lose my mind. The only thing Jim's working on right now is Alex Barnes, and if he's gone after her, then I need to know. He might need me."  
  
"Need you for what? Sandy, what is it between you two, and how does it involve Alex Barnes?"  
  
"I'm his partner, I should be with him."  
  
"You're an anthropologist, and Simon is with him."  
  
"He needs me."  
  
"Why, what can you do that Simon can't?"  
  
"I'm surprised *you're* taking this so well."  
  
"Sandy, are you trying to distract me?"  
  
"Would I do that? I just meant, you know, it was your case and all, and now Jim and Simon have gone off following a lead without you. I may not be a cop, but you are, so Jim could just have easily have taken you as Simon, to...uh...where was it again?"  
  
"Sierra Verde. You know you're right. What right did they have..."  
  
"Sierra Verde? That's where they are?"  
  
"You crafty little dingo, you've been playing me, haven't you."  
  
"Sorry, but I had to know. Tell you what, I'll let you come with me."  
  
"Oh no, no way am I letting you go off after them, Jim would kill me if I let anything happen to you."  
  
"Right now I doubt he'd even notice. Look, Megan, I'm going, it's up to you whether you come with me or not."  
  
"Well, when you put it like that, I suppose the only sensible thing for me is to stay close and make sure you don't do anything stupid."  
  
"Great, could you go by my office and pick up my bags. Everything's still packed, so it shouldn't be a problem. Bring the black duffle, that's got the important stuff in it, oh and I need my backpack."  
  
"Your bags are in your office?"  
  
"Yeah, I left them there for safekeeping. I wouldn't leave my garbage in that roach motel I've been sleeping in."  
  
"Sandy, are you sure you're okay to leave the hospital so soon? It won't help anyone if you get sick."  
  
"I'm fine, a little tired still but I can sleep on the plane. Please, I have to do this."  
  
"Yeah, I guess you do. I'll be as quick as I can."  
  
"Thanks, Megan, this means a lot to me."  
  
With a wave she was gone, and Blair lay back, finally letting the fatigue show. Pushing himself up again he swung his legs from the bed, his breath rasping in his damaged lungs at even this limited amount of exertion. This was not good. Here he was all set to chase off into the wilds, and he couldn't even stand without shaking. Maybe he should use the time he had to practice walking.   
  
Still, he really had no choice. Whatever Jim might think, he would need his Guide to deal with Alex Barnes. She was a Sentinel, and it was clear from the shared dreams that she had some kind of link to Jim. Blair could help him, and once this threat was gone, they could start working on their own relationship.   
  
***  
  
Tossing uncomfortably on the hard church pew, Blair rubbed absently at his still bruised ribs. He had actually managed to sleep for awhile, much to his surprise. He still couldn't see why they had to stay here, no matter what Jim said. So far, this trip had not gone as he had hoped. Far from being happy to see him, Jim had once again failed to recognise his scent and pointed a gun at him...man, was *that* getting old real fast. And he had never once asked Blair how he was, in spite of the fact that this was the first time they had seen each other since the hospital.  
  
And then there was the tank. An actual tank...was that overkill or what? At least Jim seemed receptive to talking about his visions now, not that Blair had been able to help much. All Blair could think of to say was that the visions were their advantage, how stupid was that? Obviously, seeing what their enemy was doing and where she was going to be was an advantage. Except of course that she, too was having visions, so presumably knew what *they* were doing...maybe not so good then.   
  
He wondered if Jim was asleep, and if so, if he had been having any of the strange dreams. He sat up, leaning over the bench in front, but got no further than taking a deep breath, ready to launch into a stream of questions, when he realised that the pew was empty. Jim was gone. He looked over to where Simon and Megan slept on undisturbed, then quietly left, heading to the beach in the hopes of finding his missing friend.  
  
He saw them near the surf, kneeling together in a tight embrace. He called out to his Sentinel in shock, but it was Alex who turned to look at him. She pulled Jim's gun from its holster to aim it unwaveringly at him, quite prepared to kill him again. But at least this time, Jim stopped her. Stopped her from shooting, but not from leaving.   
  
Blair couldn't believe what he had just witnessed. For a moment he thought that he was still caught in a nightmare. How could Jim kiss and caress the woman who had so callously drowned him? Even if *that* no longer mattered to him there was the fact that she had stolen, and was still in possession of, deadly nerve gas. Jim was a police officer, it was his sworn duty to apprehend her and retrieve the canisters. But he had done nothing. He had allowed her to escape.   
  
Jim seemed dazed, looking to Blair for an explanation of what had just happened. Pushing down the jealousy and anger, he took his friend's arm and they began to walk along the beach.   
  
Blair was unsure of where to start; Jim's behaviour was so far out of character. It was as if the man was being forced to take a back seat to the Sentinel, he could only hope that his actions were involuntary, because if he had deliberately chosen to make love to Alex Barnes, then Blair wasn't sure that he had enough forgiveness in him to get past that.   
  
"Couldn't you have shot her even a little bit...an arm maybe, or a foot...a toe even?"  
  
"I couldn't, god, I couldn't even point it at her. It was as if something held me back."  
  
"Something from the vision?"  
  
"I don't know, maybe."  
  
"Jim, this could be the link that we're looking for. Out on the beach, you and Alex were recreating something that you've already shared in the vision."  
  
"If that's the case, then how far does it go?"  
  
I don't know, I mean, you dreamt of the jungle temple, Alex mentioned having similar dreams. I mean, there's a legend of a...a Temple of Light where Sentinels go to receive spiritual...guidance, and...uhm, there's also a grotto with magical waters in it where...uh...those who bathe in it are transformed and they'd be allowed to see the Eye of God..."  
  
"I've seen it so many times in visions with her, always with her. She's always in my dreams. I...even down on the beach I...it was as if something was controlling us."  
  
"The sentinels originated as part of a warrior culture, right? I mean...ah...there are specific codes of...of...behaviour...and...uh...there are mating rituals."  
  
"What are you saying, I'm being controlled by some primitive sexual desire or instinct?"  
  
"Possibly, yes."  
  
"Well if that's the case I gotta learn to control it. *You* gotta help me get a hold of it or else I'm not going to be any good when I see her next time."  
  
For the first time, Jim seemed to focus on Blair, waiting for him to pull one of his rabbits out of a hat, as he had done so many times before. But this time, Blair was clean out of bunnies, as unsure of how to proceed as Jim. All he could offer was a shrug and some negative spluttering.  
  
"What do you mean you don't know? This is supposed to be your area."  
  
"This is *way* beyond my area of research, I mean a...a doorway has been opened here into...beyond, you know? I think you're being drawn back home." Blair watched his Sentinel walk away from him. He felt defeated. Every time that Jim had turned to him during this crisis he had been unable to help him, but what was he to do? He was flying blind here, well he was usually fairly clueless, but at least had enough knowledge that he was able to formulate *some* kind of plan of action, thus fooling Jim into thinking he knew what he was doing.   
  
This time was different. This time they were well and truly in the twilight zone. He was a scientist. His research was based on quantifiable data and observations. His upbringing had given him a willingness to accept the unexplainable, but that didn't help him in knowing how to deal with it. He found himself wishing that Incacha had lived at least a *little* longer. All very well to pass on the way of the Shaman, but what exactly did that mean? It was like giving someone a new video recorder, but hiding the manual.  
  
***  
  
Crouched down behind a fallen log, Blair watched in disbelief as Jim moved from his side, shouting out a warning to Alex Barnes as she walked across the clearing. She drew her gun, shooting the men who lay in wait for her, then ran to the helicopter still in possession of the nerve gas. Her escape ended the short but intense gun battle, her would-be buyers more interested in pursuing her than in continuing to fight.   
  
"Chief, you alright?"  
  
The shooting over, Blair picked himself up, staring at Jim. "Yeah, I'm fine, but *what* is *wrong* with you?"  
  
Jim simply shook his head in stunned disbelief at what he had done, then lead the way down to check out the clearing. This was getting worse and worse. Now, Jim seemed to be actively helping Alex. Where would this end? Jim was now fully focussed on tracking down Alex Barnes, but whether to arrest her or join her was debatable. Even so, when Megan questioned Jim's loyalties, Blair pushed aside his own doubts to defend his friend, although he wasn't sure that his words were not more to convince himself than her.  
  
Simon too was clearly unhappy with the way things were going, but Jim was impossible to reason with, so intent was he on tracking his prey that little else registered. Finally, the only option left was for Simon to return for help, while Blair and Megan stayed with Jim. That, really was all Blair *could* do...stay with Jim, and be ready to give his Sentinel everything he had to give.  
  
***  
  
Blair had been getting increasingly worried about Jim throughout the long hike. He had been intense, becoming more and more withdrawn as the day progressed. Megan too, could be a problem; she was no fool and had already begun to question Jim's abilities. Still, she was asleep now, giving Blair his first chance to discuss Sentinel stuff with Jim. Trouble was, he had no idea where to start, and wasn't even sure that in his present mood Jim would be willing to talk at all.   
  
"Alex found the temple."  
  
Blair turned to Jim, surprised that he had brought this up so willingly. "How do you know?"  
  
"I saw it."  
  
"Man, that's incredible...but...how are you feeling about Alex?" Blair's first reaction was pure scientist, but it was quickly followed by concern for his friend. And not a little concern for himself, he really, *really* needed to know how Jim would react to Alex when the two finally confronted one another.   
  
"I know I need to stop her, but...I also feel like I have to protect her somehow."  
  
That was not good, because whatever Jim's instincts were towards her, Blair was pretty sure her instincts would be totally selfish. She would take what she wanted and damn the consequences. And if Jim allowed his protectiveness to take precedence, then... "Which one's stronger?"   
  
"I don't know."  
  
"Look, you need something that you can focus on, something that you can control, because what happened at the riverbank today can *not* happen again, Jim." Because if it did happen again, if Jim had so little control left that he was unable to fight her, then they were truly screwed.  
  
***  
  
Blair couldn't believe it. Jim had left them. He had simply walked off and left them while they slept. How could he do that? He knew that there were bad guys with guns running around the jungle, and yet he had left them unprotected to go trailing after Alex Barnes.   
  
He was getting pretty tired of defending Jim's behaviour, especially when he didn't understand it himself. He had sincerely believed that Jim needed him, needed his Guide, but he had been wrong. Perhaps Jim had been right. Perhaps 'guide' was simply a word Lee Brackett had come up with that actually meant nothing. If Jim had thought he was important to the whole Sentinel thing, then he would have kept him close, not taken off at the first opportunity.   
  
And now Megan knew. It had only been a matter of time, but that wouldn't help when Jim found out that someone else was privy to his secret. Maybe it wasn't such a bad thing though. If Jim *was* right, and all he needed was someone to back him up, and that someone could be anyone, then Megan would be an obvious choice. She was open to the mystical side of life, and was unlikely to be phased by Jim's weirdness. What's more, she was a cop, and would be able to back him up in a way Blair never could.  
  
Blair realised with a start where his thoughts were taking him. For the first time, he was seriously considering leaving Jim. He still loved him, that hadn't changed, but there was a limit to long he could go on giving while getting nothing in return. Jim couldn't love him, and now it looked like he didn't need him either, so what else was left?   
  
It would tear out his soul to go, but would it really hurt any less to stay and watch Jim move further and further away from him? No, if that was going to happen, then it was best to go now, a clean break and a fresh start. Detach with love, that's what Naomi had always taught him, and in the past he had always thought it an admirable policy, so why, now, did it hurt so much?  
  
***  
  
Kneeling on the cold stone floor, hands still tied behind his back, Blair watched Jim kiss the woman who had murdered him. Again. When Jim had rescued them he had thought it was all over. And then Alex rose from the pool, the madness shining in her eyes. Jim had instantly gone to her, had tried to lead her back to sanity, but she had gone too far, her senses completely out of control. He should have been sad at the destruction of a Sentinel, but all he could feel was the pain of Jim's betrayal.   
  
They carried her out on a stretcher, catatonic, not even a flicker of recognition in her eyes. As Megan said, her circuits were fried. She had sought the ultimate prize, the meaning of life, but had misunderstood everything she had seen and felt. She had thought that being a Sentinel put her above the laws of man and nature, refusing to listen when Jim had tried to tell her that a Sentinel's duty was to protect, not destroy. Maybe it had never been in her to listen. So now it was over. She had seen the Eye of God and it had destroyed her. And still he couldn't care.  
  
***  
  
"That's the difference between you two; she lost her way." But Jim hadn't. He had found his true path alone, without a Guide.   
  
"I saw her, she was...it was like she was on fire...and the eye, it was so...intense, you know?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"What, that's it, that's all you're going to say?"  
  
"What do you want me to say?"  
  
"I don't know, some new age hippy mumbo jumbo."  
  
"Maybe later. I'm a little tired."  
  
"It has been quite a ride. It'll be good to get home now that it's all over."  
  
Blair watched Jim walk over to talk to Simon, smiling and laughing, obviously happy now that he felt in control once again. So, this was how it was going to be. They would go home, Blair would move back in, and they would carry on as if nothing had happened. As if Jim had never thrown Blair out of the loft, as if Blair had not died, and Jim had not all but made love to his killer. As if Alex had never been. Nothing would be talked about; nothing would be resolved.  
  
Okay, Blair could do that. He could push down the anger and the pain, hide it away out of sight and pretend he was fine. If he tried hard enough maybe he could even fool himself. The overwhelming feeling of betrayal, though, would be a lot harder to bury. He wrapped his arms around himself, suddenly chilled to the bone, the breath so loud in his congested lungs that even he could hear it. And yet Jim had not, or maybe he had and just didn't care.   
  
That, ultimately, was what hurt the most. He had never expected Jim to be perfect...well, maybe at the beginning, but not once he had gotten to know him. But he had always trusted that Jim would protect and care for him, and now that trust was broken. He understood that Jim had been acting from instinct, but it still hurt that those instincts led him to reject his Guide, to push him away and disregard him. How was it possible that something that had seemed so strong and enduring as his faith in his Sentinel could be so quickly shattered? And he was afraid, so very afraid, that all the king's horses and all the king's men could never put it together again.  
  
*** 


End file.
